mexibear (mexibear) wrote,

  • Music:


I'm at my local library, using the internet. I didn't feel much different waking up today, in fact I've had a cold for almost two weeks and today I actually felt better. But now, sitting here and reading my LJ friend's list, and my Facebook, I was suddenly overcome with a really gross, disgusting feeling:

No matter what, I will never truly belong.

I'm not trying to be all boo-hoo, poor me. Yeah, the feeling sucks but really it's more of an observation. I know I've felt this way all my life. I can always seem to make friends easily enough, but it hardly ever gets to be real, extremely deep friendship. I always just seem to enter groups of people who have known each other forever, like the kids I know here in Ohio. Everyone knows everyone, and from a long way back. I don't feel like they exclude me in any way; it's just that I will never be what they are to each other.

It's hard not fitting in to a nice neat package. I'm Mexican, but not really. I'm American, but not really. I was raised Mormon, but I'm no more Mormon now than a fish is a bird. I sometimes feel like maybe I'll totally reconnect and feel like part of something if I move back to Mexico, like it will somehow click and some hidden parts of my genes will wake up. But my mom has clued me in to the reality that most likely I'll be MUCH MORE out of place in Mexico City 2010. Plus she worked really hard to keep me here, why would I just throw that away?

So, how can I be the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video? How can I throw open those gates and see a whole field full of other Bee people dancing and waving me in? So far in life the only other Bee People I've come across are my brothers, and they're very far away, and both ready to start their own lives.

Dang that's a lot of typing.
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